Confusion abounds

Its that time.. when I know I am at a crossroad. Options are available but, as usual, one does not know what the result of taking any one path will be.

I read this today and though I read it before a certain event occured, now it seems to fit everything happening around me. Yup, its my job am talking about.

What if you realise that what you have been doing all your life is, in fact, not something you are meant to do? Then should you continue doing it, hoping one day it will be your thing? That feels stupid even as I write it.

But then, all present options are huge plunges. They are leaps of faith and an attempt to start from scratch. It’s too scary a concept right now to contemplate.

Should I be excited that I am getting a chance early in my career to well.. change my career or will I be one of those eternally confused souls who do many things but make nothing their own?

Or should I stick to my guns? There must be some reason I started doing what I have been doing?

Keep that anger alive…

I am beginning to realise how deceptive a word like eve teasing can be and am even beginning to resent it. That’s perhaps a good thing because it is only when you feel strongly about something that you change that aspect in things around you.

Two weeks ago my boss molested a colleague of mine. We are two teams working with him with three girls. It did not come as a surprise unfortunately. He had joined our office about six months ago and was a very “touchy-feely” person. But most of us women managed to keep his hands off our bodies.

But this time, while dropping her home (which is routine for us as we work late often and not all women have their own transportation), he touched her without permission and even propositioned dinner. What was worse was that it seemed premeditated – he getting her alone in his car.

But she, no shrinking violet thankfully, came to office and raised a stink. Her declaration led to many other insidious insinuations coming to light. His casual brushing against breasts, his insistence on adjusting seat belts for his women co-passengers, his detailed talks on positions from the Kamasutra, some stupid couplet he seemed to love on reproductive organs, his favoured pose of blocking a women between the computer and his arms .. I wonder if this list ever will finish.

My office responded with immediacy and sacked him. It was a very strange situation where I knew he deserved it (more dire a repercussion perhaps) but was still plagued by something unsettling me which was not entirely guilt but a dissatisfaction of sorts. A friend of mine said “one does not want this kind of power to change things.. it comes with extreme responsibility and wonders if one has not over reacted”. I realised that was true to an extent and one always, after all, does berate saying “I wish I had reacted earlier”.

I managed to get through the last ten days with messy, uneasy, slimy guilt – feeling bad for his wife and his son and for all those women who he had taken liberties with. Feeling helpless for not recognising the gleam in his eye earlier.. and so on and so forth.

But yesterday when I went for an installation put up by Blank Noise and I read letters and accounts there, that’s when my anger surfaced and wiped out all other doubts. He violated our space and sacking him was perhaps the least damaging that was done.

Though the installation comes off tomorrow, it is worth making a trip to India Habitat Centre for it. Keep that anger alive. Only then you may speak out against it.

It is a first for me.

Drinking too much and losing control of my tongue.

It happened last night and I managed to hurt people I cared about very much. What was astonishing was that I was very clear what I would not talk about and managed to keep that part totally shut out. But the evening was clouded with shadows. With that frustration I headed for the party. This time I knew I wanted to drink, so decided to stay back and proceeded to drink myself silly. Drinking on an upset mind is such a bad idea.

Sorry can really be an inadequate word not sufficing for all that hurt. But then there is no way to take it back.

There’s a lesson for me. Don’t drink since you cannot handle it.

It can be tough life

We are killed as little foetuses.

On the oft-chance that we survive,

We live inadequate lives

With less food and even lesser education

And taunts and barbs of being a girl

Some are us are strong and some lucky

And come out with education and a decent job

Only to be told that we will get paid

Less then our men counterparts

Why.. nobody enumerates.

We accept this and glass ceilings

And juggling home, husband and kids

With a job — often struggling with guilt

But its something we chose

And something, we are told, we have to bear

Then there are sexual innuendoes

And sexual harassment — at work

And in play and what are we supposed to do?

Just ignore. Sometimes fight against it

Only to hear ‘oh you are overreacting’

It just never ends

Sometimes I wonder what would

Happen if we rebelled

And refused to give birth?