There are days when you wonder which turn of your life brought you to this very place. So many random thoughts fly through my head on a second-to-second basis. Most of them random, few deep, couple of ideas that flit on the outskirts of all those thoughts and many wishes that mingle with those thoughts.
Then a few of those wishes come true. And that scares me. Scares me because who out there is deciding which which wish will come true. Which wish I would wish harder for? Pray harder for? Then I really get scared. Because if all the things I wish for were to come true, I would have some very strange realities to explain.
It also makes me wonder whether working towards what I want isn’t the way to really go about achieving anything? Should I just live my days one at a time and wait for things and events to happen as they will? Sometimes I susbsist on a completely superficial level, only aiming in thought for what I want. How is that any different from randomness actually turning to reality?
There is much to be said for moving countries in your mid 30s. You are less susceptible to popular culture and can easily identify what will make you feel better. Things seem familiar yet alien but your mind tells you that you need to give it time before you feel like you are home in this new country. Your intellect knows it all but your emotional side just refuses to wait.
Almost 4 months later New York is still new. New in its smells, sounds, with its friendly yet aloof strangers, with its ready acceptance of people who do not look like the norm and yet the certainty that you will be always alone and revel in it. That perhaps is the best gift. In some ways, with the crowds and noise, New York lets me be the way Mumbai let me be.
I think the most important thing I am missing in New York (and it was hard won in Mumbai too) is my ability to feel comfortable in my skin. It took me many years to find it in Mumbai but in New York I seem to be grappling again. It might have much to do with the fact that I am relying on other people’s experience to increase my familiarity. I need to be sure that even though it is a new city, the person in me is still the same. So it may be spring/ summer and it is okay to not to always shave your limbs smooth! Or have make up in place just for a cup of coffee. Or do the thing because it is the thing to do.
It might be harder right now but better in the long run.