A screengrab of a site I was researching on: Popular posts include queries on sex and chats with actresses…
Every time you have a turn around in the way you think, you look back at most unexplained experiences and try to rationalised them (again). You hope this new insight will help explain the inexplicable. Of course that is not true. Not always at any rate.
A few days ago my mind wandered to one man who had come into my life for a brief six months. It was those six months where he was my neighbour in my new house. It was also those very six months when I was recovering from what seemed like a bad breakup (it was just a break up, no less bad or good).
He lived in a house by himself, with a terrace to boot. The terrace had a neat swing. He liked movies and books and made for a good conversationalist. The house I lived in was bigger but with fewer windows (and a pink tub!). With electricity being what it is in Delhi, I remember spending a lot of time chatting with him, discussing existential questions and even socialising some with his friends.
Once I left Delhi, we kept in touch for a while and it sort of petered off. But before it completely stopped, he indicated that when we indeed spending time together, he would have liked the relationship to have deepened beyond friendship. I was a little puzzled. Not entirely unexpected but slightly baffling because both of us ( in true breakup style – he too was smarting) would spend hours examining what we could have done differently. I had assumed what I was seeing was what I was getting, because that was true in my case.
But then when I mentioned to a couple of girlfriends, I was told, “What did you expect? You were spending so much time with him!” So what I want means nothing? What I do only conveys intentions? I knew why I was spending time with him, I thought he did too. I was not angry or anything at him but it left me wondering how many such friends I had lost to what they thought I wanted as opposed to what I was actually saying.
I am usually upfront and can say things as they as are, especially when it comes to men and what I expect from a particular situation. But these times make me fumble. I have had more than my share of suggested questions about close friends ranging from “Are you seeing XYZ?” to “Why aren’t you seeing XYZ? You spend so much time with him and get along so well.” I am stumped for a reply so hopefully and gracefully, let that question pass me by.
But someone, somewhere else, recently mentioned how the whole pressure of being single, finding someone, striking a chord and letting that relationship develop has become a virtual impossibility. Should you meet some who excites you but you are still cagey to explore it fully, it is rare that your near and dear ones will allow you to do things at your own pace. Inadvertently, excited that you could be meeting some new and exciting, they titter and nudge and wink (not necessarily literally) either pushing you closer quicker than you are ready for or just making it strange for all concerned. Of course these are friends and almost always, well-meaning ones. But what it effectively does is not allow things to develop organically. I can be secretive but I would hate to do it. When you are happy, the one thing you want to is shout it out and share with all your close friends.
But sometimes what you do is more effective than what you say, eh?
What is about the year end that makes us want to sum up our lives? In achievements.. in benchmarks.. in things lost and gained and things done differently. In bank balances and in heartbreaks.
Why don’t we just say goodbye and turn our backs on the year that has gone and welcome the new one with open arms? Promise to ourselves to change at least one things about ourselves in this new year to avoiding falling into the same pits that you have been falling for the last few years?
“I think I will have a beer..” I say opening the refrigerator.
“Why now? Wait for some time..it’s only 8.30 pm,”says my mother.
And we both paused.. looked at each and burst out laughing. She and I both remembered the same exchange she has had with my father, repeatedly.