American Diaries – 2

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IMG_1174I mentioned earlier that I missed feeling comfortable in my skin. In the last year, I have had ample time to assess and reassess why I thought and felt so.

New city, new country, new culture and new relationship — all of which did mostly nothing to make me feel out of sorts. It was the expectations that I put on myself (and then not meet them) that led to (and continually lead to) make me feel out of sorts. The realization came in small bursts but when I tried to apply it across situations that made me uncomfortable, I realized it was not the situation but what I expected from them situations.

It became an interesting journey, one that I am still on, of expectations. There are so many times in a day or week or month that I am unhappy or dissatisfied. I can choose to wallow in it or learn that it is what it is. This realization on your stomping grounds is good, even great but in a place where you know very few people and have fewer places to turn to for comfort, this realization, on some level, makes you feel truly alone.

That’s when I realized I wanted to feel comfortable in my skin again. I loved that feeling. In India it meant not caring what people thought of me, my looks, my choices and to be able to truly make decisions on my own. It means different things here. Here, where you are literally not understood, it means a whole different thing to just do your thing.

One year later, I feel like I am more in control of the ride on this roller coaster. But who knows? May be am just acclimatizing better and learning to say carmel (for “caramell”), red light, trunk and of course, the ‘zee’!

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3 responses »

  1. Becoming comfortable in your own skin, when in a land where you are considered ‘ajooba’ coz of your skin colour and upbringing, must be quite a journey. As it is the society seems to be geared to making you question yourself, your choices.

    One of the toughest (and easiest) phase in my life was when I was told I come across as ‘unhappy and demanding’ by someone I hold in high esteem. I felt it was not so but it needed all my strength to be fine with what I felt I was not and not go by what I was told. The journey to that point had been tough but the results – rewarding. Today I listen to every one, do not dismiss what they say, look at it objectively even if initially I might disagree with it, if I see merit in what was said, I act on it else, just keep it aside. Keeping aside works as there might be merit in it but I may not be capable of seeing it at this time.

    Your current post is in similar vein to the earlier one, when I had said your journey is very interesting.

  2. Asmita: I think interesting is not a big enough word to encapsulate what I am going through. On one level I understand and process and on another level, I continue to get irritated, upset and angry over events and comments. It’s mind boggling when these two levels do occasionally meet.

  3. Pingback: Get fit to 40 – 24 months to go | Let's Eat Healthy

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