One night, while listening to a particularly moving piece, I chanced on a realisation. A realisation that my biggest block or stopping block came from the fact that I was unwilling to re-examine all that I held dear, opinion and experience wise.
The minute the thought crossed my consciousness, that very minute all my weird, fantastical dreams made sense. All those large waves, big gory murders, weird situations, long lost friends and even unreal expectations all suddenly made sense. But before I could anything much, a bad headache distracted me. I could not help but wonder if my old thoughts and prejudices were literally flying out of my head?
When I started thinking about my thoughts and opinions and everything I had known to be true – I wondered. What if I re-examined every opinion and its reason to have them? What if the thoughts came up wanting? What does that mean? Does that mean that everything I knew was not so? Does that mean every slight, every wound did not really turn out that way? Did I spend almost two decades imagining pain and hurt or paining and hurting over imagined slight? Nursing grudges and ill-will for no reason, apparently?
I hesitate to say anything now without thinking what makes me say it. Whether my reasons are truly just that – my reasons. There are times when you think and think and think about things and continue to arrive at the same conclusion. There are also times, when the same incident, in a few years, looks and feels different. It might your memory playing tricks or different perspective allowing you to now understand the situation better – either way things don’t feel certain anymore.