Monthly Archives: February 2009

Which battles do you choose?


Should one look away because the wrong you see or the injustice you witness doesn’t directly affect you or yours?

You may pick the wrong battle, use and ruin your relationships — all because you saw something unbearable. Is it okay to do this only in personal situations and do a complete volte-face for public scenarios?

So if my friend is a physically abusive relationship, I shouldn’t say anything to her tormentor because she (the victim) isn’t protesting. Or should I make it my cause and use the Bell Bajao campaign and interfere? On a tangential note, the website asks ‘men’ to stand up. Women I think could also stand up. Mum-in-laws especially who tell their daughters that “beta agar marta hain tho koi reason hoga…

I ask because I truly am not sure. Why do we refrain from helping our friends from obvious harm, because we think it is interference but are okay doing it on a larger scale? Either way, some amount of hurt does come your way —  as a friend you don’t mind it because hey helping friends is not something you think about  and doing the same on a larger scale? Of course, even if one person changes thanks to you, all that harm can be channeled into a good way.

People tell me I pick the wrong battles and harm myself. Sure I harm myself but only because at that point it’s the only thing to do. And to stay without doing anything is a crime… especially when you know you can help, even if it means losing that friendship.



Be careful what you wish… you may just get it


How okay is it to be rude because you cannot be honest? Is it okay to be rude to distance yourself because you can’t actually tell someone, in so many words, that listen ‘I can’t stand you’. Instead you are cutting and mean and say things unprovoked and expect the other person to slowly and hurtfully, withdraw. Which, the person on the receiving end, usually does.

It’s always easier to get someone else to do the dirty work for you.

In the last few months I have been encountering more and more rudeness in various forms, and from various people. It’s usually seemingly unprovoked and leaves the other person floundering, wondering what did I say/do wrong.

It usually happens because it’s misplaced sentiment. Everyone around can see that and most times you make an excuse for the behaviour and move one.  Because you don’t think, this person who, at one point, professed to like you, today is being cutting because he or she actually hates you. (Wouldn’t that person tell me if they did?) So it must be because some other area is troubled and because we are friends, we are on the recieving end.

But after a while you just get tired of making excuses. Sure, I know why you are unhappy but that doesn’t allow you to trample all over me, whenever the mood strikes. Unless I have actually caused you that unhappiness.

One expects behaviour like adults — responsibility for your actions, weighing your words as you say them — and not passing them off as moods, temperaments and troubles from another world.

But if there is one thing I have learnt in the last 10 years (or more) of interacting in the adult world, is that no one truly behaves like an adult, me included. This extends all the way to my dad’s 75+ year old aunts who still behave like ill-tempered brat because something did not happen as she thought it should or my 50+ mother who perceieves an insult in something my aunt said so keeps huffing and puffing. Our petulant behaviour from school often comes along with us, cleverly disguised as an adult.

So you there… if you want to be mean to me, just don’t say anything.

Katti Phoo