ERRATICA S U B V E R S E
No more whine in 2009
The New Year was ushered in with a whimper. But, in these violent times, we should be grateful that it did not begin with a bang. The depression of the closing months of 2008 didn’t put anyone in good humour for the usual flippant year-end round-ups. New Year resolutions, even if they are a species with the lifespan of a politician’s shame, have not made much of an appearance either. So let me list an A to Z of our not-so-great expectations from 2009.
Aamir should take revenge on his hair-dresser.
Bombs should not blow up,but simply blow away.
Chidambaram should make us feel as secure as his veshti.
Dalal Street should not move down south, and Main Street should not become a downturned alley.
Elections should reaffirm that democracy is by the people, not buy the people.
Forensic experts should not continue to be the world’s Most Wanted.
Goyal should cut fares, not jobs or deals with Mallya.
Homosexuals should not have to stop feeling gay on account of Section 377 — and its mindless support by the Additional Solicitor General.
Indian Intelligence should be as impressive as its Knowledge industry.
Jaitley should not have all the answers.
Kashmir should return to peace; it’s possible with Omar the sharif.
LeT should not keep attacking us without let or hindrance.
Manmohan Singh’s FM station should play happy Budget tunes. It’s the election, stupid.
Nuclear 1, 2, 3 should not go backwards and leave us with zero.
Obama should not be about Blacks and Whites since most issues are grey anyway.
People power should prevail over that of politicians.
Qasab should not die while his minders are left free to kill another day.
Raj should abandon the idea of Marathi Manoose.
Satyam should not turn into Jhootam.
Tata should be the Ratan in the Indian corporate Taj.
Unnikrishnan (or any of the brave commandos and cops) should not have died in vain, and we should continue to hound political dogs.
Valentines should be sent to our political leaders, all of whom seem to feel that ‘love is in the heir’.
Women should not think that getting their Bill will mean they won’t have to pay for it.
Ex-squeezes should stage a comeback, but ex-CMs should be squeezed out permanently.
Yes-men should be considered better than no men at all.
Zardari should not put off a visit to his optician.
TOI, Mumbai, 02.01.2009