Whenever anyone talks of happiness…it’s always.. make that effort.
MAKE THAT EFFORT TO BE HAPPY.
But nobody says that for sadness, depression or any other emotion.. but when it’s happiness and optimism.. you have make that additional effort.
I don’t get it.. what’s with the effort? When it takes so much effort in trying to feel what should be naturally felt.. one never quite enjoys the sensation. I am so busy trying to feel better .. that I forget when I actually do.
I have some amazing friends who are always effervescent and don’t give up on their dreams and subscribe and implement this credo in their lives. I actually find it very hard.
I can’t make myself feel happy… is it like a character flaw?
I tried venturing into memories.. and recalled when was I happy..
When I was standing stop a mountain with the cloud in my face and smelling the blooms and listening to the..silence
or.. the day I got my car after numerous hiccups
or.. when I found Gaman songs on an audio tape in a small shop inCP
or.. when I realised..in a bittersweet fashion what love was
or.. Remingston Steel DVDs
or.. alfresco lunch at the women’s press club on wintry mornings.
or.. finding a smiling photograph of mine from the early days of school
or.. looking forward to the drive to work because my favourite CD is lined up and ready to play
AND when people say you have to be happy… I realise that I can’t be in that moment again and I can’t concentrate hard enough to bring that euphoria back.
So how do the others do it? Or are they that good at faking it..?
Edited to add:
The more I think about it.. the more the thoughts.. and I realised why I couldn’t be happy independently. I can’t be happy or even content knowing the people around me..the people who are mine.. are not happy.. irrespective of whether it is my doing or not. I cannot be happy when I have made a mistake..knowingly or unknowingly. I need to right it.. if it can be or right the consequences at least. That will help to acknowledge that I won’t make the same mistake again. Happiness or no happiness there will be some closure there.
And faking it isn’t doubting it.. its wondering what allows some people to do it..if at all…