Alone time



My idea of utopia has always been different scenarios at different times in my life but strangely I have always been alone in them. I never understood why. I have perennially hated being alone but somehow my peace always came at this price.

Throughout college my idea of fun was having the house entirely to myself. I would hope my parents went to Pune or any other place and make sure I sent my sister along. That was bliss!

My idea of fun wouldn’t really involve anything great but whatever I did it meant being alone. Its probably a sign am still trying to understand.

As I moved into a working life I would, once every few months, take a day off, leave home and spend it outside all day. See two-three movies back to back and sit by the sea, sipping coffee and wondering why I felt the need to leave everyone behind.

I have used these days to look for answers that I needed at that time or just sorting priorities but I have to admit that I have never had strong reasons to do it.

An unfortunate occurrence in this whole mess is that in case I meet anyone else I also envelop them into ritual of mine.. I even extend them into my web of lies, asking them not to mention to anyone that we met or interacted. All because I did not want people at home to know I was doing this.

Recently after returning back home, I felt the need to be alone again. And while ensuring all my stories matched up with everyone else and tying up loose ends, someone asked me,  “what will happen if your mother got to know that you took a day off?”

I didn’t have an answer then and some weeks later, I still don’t have an answer but it sure got me wondering who I was running away from…


5 responses »

  1. I think there was a piece in last month’s Marie Claire – an essay by a lady who’d made it a ritual to go for coffee by herself. It’s a really nice piece.

    In any case, as physical and psychological spaces get limited in today’s times, it is imperative to take time out. Its like wearing sunscreen, really. 🙂

  2. maybe it is an aquarian thing? i remember going on these long long walks (2-3hr long)…often getting lost if i didnt know the city well enough.
    difference being i didnt consider them as fun nor did i want to hide them from anybody. they were more of a need and an urge…
    would u still want your alone time if u had the option of spending it with someone u truly love to..?

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