Monthly Archives: April 2010

Is any fear rational?

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Someone I know very peripherally is getting married and due my actual proximity to her, I’ve inevitably gotten pulled along into conversations about her preparation to her “big day”. To give her credit, she is paying for her own wedding which is fantastic. Not too many women I know do that.

We got talking about age (and after her carefully disguised “but your parents must be looking and must be worried” )and she mentioned hers.. and then she added how at 25 she got truly frightened about “not finding anyone” and “was worried there would be no one left”. While that statement didn’t really stump me, I kept wondering why didn’t I feel such irrational fear? What’s to fear..? In a world of 6 billion can there ever be a time when there is “no one left” and would I actually be the lucky one to experience the planet all to myself.

The thought hovered… I mentioned it to a few people and not too many smiled back when I expressed the fact that why was it that I felt no fear? I still don’t know why. Yes I’d want to share my life with someone, but with anyone? Because am afraid no will have me now that am in my thirties? No go. I’ve always had a lot going against me in the arranged marriage market so age would just be adding to that list.. maybe that’s why there is no fear..because I would be looking in the wrong marketplace anyway. And like everything else, you’ve got to let the experience come to you, not go searching for it. Those are the best, in my experience.

Fear perhaps stems from the school of thought that makes marriage for a girl  an inescapable destiny or even destination. Hence “do it fast or no one else will remain” or  “now you will only get divorcees” is constantly thrown at you -  like a deterrent. Do I only see the insult there? Divorcees came even after no else remains?

Then I read this and I got the fear, to an extent. And realised why I fought so much with parents because they are still afraid while I have moved on.

Some more opinions here and here.

Everybody hurts…

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It’s that time of the night when every sensation seems so amplified. Coming up to 3 am, reeling from the adrenaline rush from what seemed like a nightmare, I am up and staring at my blog. Wondering why no words have not come to my rescue in these last few weeks and even months.

Earlier today, when I was screaming at someone, I felt something inside me shift. I remembered the exact moment I turned around to scream. I could feel all this poison rise up, like a snake rearing its head, inside me. I kept telling myself I did not want to scream because I am rarely coherent when I am angry.

But this vicious snake-like sensation unfurled and I screamed my head out. Now I am awake, unable to sleep and wondering how does one not lose one’s temper.