Boggles my mind…

Standard

Men are known to use many a uncharitable term for women who don’t put out (I used to think): slut, loose, easy, cock-tease and many such familiar and insulting names.. and I always assumed it was a man who didn’t get his way that elicited such a  response. After all a man wants only one thing we assume and which woman always gives it to him?

But in the last few years I’ve met women who have forced me change this opinion. This is not to completely absolve the man of blame but I realised women can also be really cruel. Maybe unintentionally but like the saying (in all languages am sure), taali eka haathanay wajat nahin or there isn’t a clap with one hand, there is some cause for blame.

In the few people I know and the many that I observe, I’ve come to realise that to not give a guy what he wants, when he wants it (and here I don’t only mean sex) is considered good and acceptable behaviour. To be petulant and demanding, and by turns, sulky is considered normal behaviour for girls.

I encountered this attitude ages ago and thought okay,  so some women are like this and it works for them. Then my friends started talking about wars and battles in the same sentence as men and to give them the benefit of the doubt, I thought ok so some relationships cause more angst than others and some women are more adept to changing for their man..

All this is still subjective and person dependent I realise but I have begun spotting this teasing kind very often. The (child-)woman who employs the ‘come-hither’ looks and reels the men in, only to flick them off, as casually as she would flick an insect off. It’s fascinating to watch, almost like an out-of-body experience. Her eyes, her glances, her body language, the interest flickering in the man’s body language, his making of the move and then alas, he being shunned.

I don’t understand this behaviour. You act coy, play the helpless hapless female and I get all that. All women employ this technique, intentionally or unintentionally. And when you get his attention, you don’t carry it through!? And no this isn’t about sex. I mean if you hooked him, spend some time, talk to him, buy your own drink or let him buy you one and see if he is worth investing time in. He is also doing the same, after all.

But why this pull and shove (to mix my metaphors?). And no it is not flirting. Flirting is fun, snappy and has a rush and sends you back grinning, with blood rushing and perhaps a brand-new crush. I’ve seen this behaviour in all kinds of different settings – in cafes, at work, in book stores, in buses, on beaches, in restaurants, at bars. Some with people I know and some with strangers.

Talking to men I know I realised men are not surprised at this behaviour. “But all women do this!,” one said. Really! How come I missed this behaviour all these years …is what I was thinking. Nobody taught me how to flirt or deal with men or how to keep them interested. No rule book or no gaggle of girl friends.  I can’t get past the irritation. How can women do this? It is teasing. It is implying something and not delivering.

During my stint in Delhi I was always encouraged to seek male company so that I could be picked up and dropped off but I never saw the use. I had my own car and could drive it on my own. (I sometimes needed men to park, albeit.) Though some foolhardy incidents come to mind, I managed fine on my own. If I sought the company of men, it wasn’t to accompany me home. It’s not whether I can or can’t or could or couldn’t do. It’s just that. If I couldn’t reach home on my own, I didn’t go or I stayed over. No tantalising or teasing involved.

Do what you have to. Why waste time? Are you trying to prove you are attractive? Can attract attention? But it isn’t it just as important to sustain that attention? Am told the ‘come-hither-and-I-will-kick-you’ technique is a never-fail one. Pretend you are interested, send him back frustrated and keep doing this for a few months and if you are lucky, you snag the bastard. Poor guy, does he stand a chance?

This seems to be largely the spectrum these days. Women who get post-graduate degress, work in big offices, bring home fat pay checks and are used to making informed decisions, one hopes. These are women who are implicityly told to keep teasing else you will be called those famous names. Does anyone else see a vicious cycle?

Despite the fact that there are just as many educated, emancipated women out there who can use words for what they actually mean. These women won’t understand this behaviour. I fall in this spectrum and while I can live with the fact that such “other” women exist, I can’t deal with the fact that some of the women I know personally, follow this code. Unknowingly, it seems.

It’s not always easy to ask a guy out but it should be easy to go out with a guy once he’s asked you out, especially since you seemed to hankering after that.. or weren’t you? It leads me to a bigger question.. guys may be complicated but by god, no one can hold a candle to women!

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